Getting Back In Touch With My Parents. Longevity, Mortality, And Perseverance.

My parents have been married since 1976. Not without trouble. They separated for a time in the 1980s, but love brought them back together. They have been together enduring all the world could throw at them, in a loving relationship for almost fifty-years. An impressive feat. They had four children, of which I am the eldest.

They did the best they could, armed with the knowledge and skills they had at the time. I grew up in a middle-class, loving family. In-spite of this I had a troubled youth, and my parents had a front-row seat to all that transpired during those years. I think ten years ago in their minds I was still that troubled teen. I don't blame them anymore if that's the case. I was a difficult child who probably left deep emotional scars on anyone who was close to me.

They were young parents. It was tough and they had few breaks in life. In 1980 they traveled across the country to make a go-of-it in the Bay Area.

What my parents didn't know or couldn't accept was that I had progressed in my personal life since my teenage years. Life had blunted my sharp edges somewhat, and I began looking outside myself. I was taking interest in the people around me. I largely credit time spent at Schmidts Tobacco & Trading (The Pub) for that.

In 2015 I was in a new relationship. My parents had some misgivings about that relationship. I was thirty-seven years old and I met Jenny, a woman slightly older than myself at the Pub. She was fresh out of a sixteen-year marriage, and had a seventeen year old daughter, Pascale. Oh, and an angora rabbit named Etienne. RIP Etienne.

I was all-in with Jenny, I had met my soul-mate and I wasn't going to let anyone or anything diminish what I found.

I sent my father an ultimatum, which I don't have anymore. I deleted that email. It was pretty severe, and he reacted in-kind. So I cut him and my mother off. Except for a wedding in 2019, we had no communication for six years. I took no joy in the decision to do that, but I felt that it was necessary for my mental-health.

During those six years, I would try to make the morning last as long as possible. It was my favorite time of day. I would sit in the backyard, drink coffee and smoke cigarettes. I would just stare at the fence behind the garden. By the time I was ready to begin my day, it was already two o'clock in the afternoon.

I had a lot to process. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Not just about my parents, but my life in general. My decisions, my regrets. I was frequently overcome with waves of sadness and nostalgia, and I felt as though I was being tossed around on a stormy sea at night. I wallowed this way for a long time. I kept up appearances, but inside I was lost.

I have had many hobbies in my life. One of my favorite hobbies has always been photography. I took a summer photography course at Academy of Art in San Francisco when I was seventeen with my grandfather's 35mm Pentax camera. I didn't take it very seriously at the time, but I still learned a lot. During the pandemic I thought I'd like to get back into taking photographs with a real camera, not just a phone camera.

My sister Laura is an accomplished photographer. She went to school for photography and graduated with a degree in it. Life has taken her down a different road though. She still loves photography, but she hadn't used her camera for a long time. I knew this, so I asked her if I could borrow it. Without hesitation she said absolutely. It was a Canon 5D Mark III, and she provided several lenses.

In any art form it's good to start with what you know. I knew the Pub pretty well, so I began carrying her camera with me whenever I went. I got serious about taking photos. You could say I got the bug. Eventually I purchased my own Canon 5D Mark I, or "Classic" from Japan. The most interesting thing to me at the Pub were people's faces and expressions. So I started taking portraits of the regulars there. I have a post, Pubster Portraits 2022-2024 where I talk about that time, my camera, style and philosophy.

I took thousands of photos, and I was thoroughly enjoying my new-old hobby. Even so, I began to feel an emptiness. Viewing and editing close-up portraits of my friends and acquaintances was great but I wanted to take portraits of my parents for some reason unbeknownst to me at the time. Eventually it occurred to me that I love my parents and I was missing them.

This is the email exchange I had with my father at that time.

re: Portraits
L B
Oct 7, 2022, 1:27 PM
to Charles
Hi dad, hope you're well. I was wondering if I could come by to take your portrait sometime, mom's portrait as well. Laura has loaned me her Canon 5D and I've begun a photography portraiture project. Your portraits would help me develop my portfolio. I don't have backdrops, studio lights or anything yet, so it would probably only take a half hour or so.

Charles Byrne
Oct 7, 2022, 1:48 PM
to me
Absolutely! Would you like to do it Sunday?

L B
Oct 7, 2022, 2:04 PM
to Charles
Sure, what time would be best for you?

Charles Byrne
Oct 7, 2022, 2:13 PM
to me
How about 1:00?

L B
Oct 7, 2022, 2:17 PM
to Charles
Great, see you then.

These are the photos I got that day. Not the best from a technical stand-point. The borrowed tripod I had was rickety, the lighting was sub-optimal, no backdrop, and I only had one suitable lens to work with. It is what is.

In the following months we began a dialog, and they invited all of us (Jenny, Pascale and I) as guests to their house for dinner. Somehow, our relationship had deepened. I put away a majority of my petty grievances with them, and they seemed to do the same with me. Maybe the time away from each other served a purpose.

I don't take my parents for granted anymore. They are in their 70s, and although I hope both of them live to be 105 years old, the odds for that are against them. I want their august years to be filled with as much family, good humor and love as possible.

It was painful for me to cut-off communications with them, but at the time I felt I had no other choice. I love my parents deeply, and I think they know that. Time on earth is short, and hopefully we can rise above our negative feelings, with a little time left over to enjoy each other's company.

Considering my parents more carefully in every regard has been a humbling experience. I am grateful for every moment, every communication we have now. I hate to do it but I must consider the possibility that we don't have much time left with each other. I want to make it count.

In the summer of 2024 my hobby of photography began to shift into music production. I decided that I wanted to record some my father's life experiences and stories. He has led an interesting life, and his stories are amazing. I have about twelve hours of high-quality audio so far.

I also intend to record my mother's stories when we are done recording my father. The recordings are for me and my siblings. I don't intend to publish them right now. Anyway, it's a good project and you don't need an expensive audio setup to begin. Just use your phone.

If there is someone in your life who you love but have lost contact with for whatever reason, try to hurry up and process whatever you need to and get back in touch with them as quickly as possible.

Don't delay, send yours in right away.

Life is short, and we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Let the ones you love know today.